For many people this is the toughest decisions they ever took. How do you select some one as your partner? on what basis? According to my view we need to look at 3 things when we select our partner.
- Ability to fulfill the basic needs of the partner.
- Value they subtract from your life.
- Value they add to your life.
The basic needs include security, companionship, reproduction and physical needs. Almost 60% of the basic needs are normally fulfilled with any marriage. Of course we should remember that there will be exceptions. And it is not too difficult to get a partner who can do fulfill the 60% which I said above.
Around 40% of people do not think more than that before marriage. Another 40% of the basic needs are fulfilled by careful selection of the partner. This selection criteria is simple and well known. Most of the parents follow this selection criteria for choosing the partner.
- Good family background
- Good financial position
- Match of life styles
As most of the parents look for these only, as per the probability getting the basic needs is 90% sure. They may make mistakes in estimating financial positions, and family background. But most of the time they will make good choice.
But the main points to be considered are…
- Its your marriage..not your parents..
- Experience is valuble
- Parents don’t have enough knowledge compared to you
- If they choose, they are removing headache from you
- But this headache is worth having.
So ultimately what I suggest is… Learn from their experience, Understand their preferences, but finally choose according to your needs.
The next two points are very important for people like me. And 95% of parents do know give importance to them. They all are satisfied with the basic needs.
Value they subtract from your life
I will explain this with the help of some examples. Suppose assume that your partner likes shopping. And you don’t like. Shopping costs money, and there must be a source for it. Now assume that you are doing a job and wants to start a business by saving money. Now if your partner goes on shopping ultimately u will go far from ur dream.
That means your patenter subtracted the value(in this case money and time) from your life.
In another case, Assume that your partner wants u to do all the household work. This will happen with girls most of the time. your aim is to get a promotion and or join a better job. So your preferences do not match with your partner.
That means they subtracted the value (in this case your time and hard work) from your life.
Assume that you want to go to gym every day morning. But your partner wants to see movies up to late night or they wants to talk about what table cloth to buy. Here the choice is yours.
So how to know if they are subtracting values from ur life. It is simple. Just make a list of all the things u normally do and all the things that u want to do. (Excluding things which involve your partner). Now rank those according to the priority. And remove them which are bad for u (This is very important). Now ask your partner about which of them they don’t like and want you to not to do.
All those they are subtracting from your life. You cont make your decision just based on these. You need to compare them with basic needs which u are getting and the value they are going to add(next section).
Value they will be adding to your life
Take the list that you prepared and give it to your partner. You take their list. Now add those things that you like in your partner to their list. Now take each point and see how it will be beneficial for you. It may sound very selfish. Yes it is. We are doing marriage because it will be good for us. Not because it will be good for your partner. It is their duty to check this condition.
Take for example. My partner wants to be a doctor and I am a software programmer. If I consider that it will be two different worlds and we will never know each other properly..then It is a -point. And If I consider that is my partner is a doctor I can get more knowledge in that field and she can get more knowledge in my field..then its a + point.
consider that u don’t talk with people much.. and your partner talks very well. There can be two things. 1) you both may get a communication gap or 2) you may be satisfied because they are able to do what you cont do. so it also can be + or – point depending on how it take it.
Similarly rank every thing they do, they want to do, they have, they will have and finally which are beneficial for u.
It makes your decision easy. because some people give more importance to these 2 points rather than basic needs.