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Single Again: How to lose a great wife and still be happy?

March 28th, 2017 Comments off

Lets start from the beginning. First we need to get a good wife. πŸ™‚ I am assuming you know that already. Do you? I don’t think many people who are looking for good partner know this. So for the sake of those here is some things that matter and some that does not matter.

What matters

  • A common language to communicate with.
  • Answer to “What to do” for most of the time.
  • Respect for the individual, even if we don’t like the opinions.
  • A Journey to share. A task or a goal etc.
  • Slight dependency even if it is created just for its sake.
  • Honest communication.
  • And ability to tolerate the honesty.
  • Knowing what to know and what not to know.
  • Trust and submission for first betrayal.

What does not matter

  • Caste, Religion
  • When you wake up and when they wake up
  • What you eat and what they eat
  • How they cook, and how they smell
  • How many times you have sex per month
  • Does she/he like your parents or not.
  • How much she or he earns (after the basic needs).
  • What kind of job she or he does.
  • What gifts, cloths, etc she or he bought for you.

I am telling this from my example. But I have seen them working in many other cases. You pick any point of incompatibility, I will show you exactly another couple perfectly happy even with that incompatibility. But as these number of incompatibilities increases the chances of people crossing those limits decreases.

I am a lucky person. I don’t have good memory. So actually except one or 2 cases I don’t remember any fights I had with my wife. I never stopped talking to her for more than 2 days I guess. And actually I never started a fight myself πŸ™‚ (again you have to take my memory into consideration here). I never mixed two different points/disagreements in one fight. All disagreements are as far as I member about the way I shout :-). No matter what the starting point, it always came down to that. And even thought I tried it, I never actually committed myself to change it.

I never bought her single gift or dress or any ornaments etc. Never in 10 years. I let her use my card for some time initially, but later I think she bought much more for me with her own money. I don’t think we ever talked on phone for more than 10minutes in last 10 years. What ever it was just a quick message in chat.

I did not hide anything from her and nor will I ever do that. From silly crush on girls in my own office to current office. She knows every thing.Β  She used to have some thing private, but I never forced. Not every person is same. Just because you told her everything, expecting her to tell everything is wrong. It does not work that way. You be as you want to be, no matter how others behave. Your behaviors should not change much because of how other behave. If you are trying to act as a mirror then no one will ever know who you really are. They just see their reflection and which is never you.

No one know you more than your partner. If that is not the case, then you should not call them as partners. πŸ™‚ Same here. Well we had enough time 16+ years totally. I think that is good enough time together.

I lose my wife because now we want to enhance our lives even more. We want to follow our dreams and which happened to be in different directions. When I say I lose my wife it only means that title. The person is there, and the way she thinks about me, and the way I think about her is same. You live with your brothers and sisters for say 20 years? In that how many years you are actually aware? may be 15. We are together for 16 years. So she is part of my life as my siblings or even more than them.

I know that not every one thinks similar about marriage and divorce. Because not every one is as wise as me πŸ™‚ But we need to live as we think, not as some one else thinks.

I thank my wife for the 16+ years of journey. Now the roads are little different, but does not matter. We know that we will be there for each other for the rest of our lives.

So how to lose a good wife? 1) Get good wife first 2) Dream too big and let her dream too. 3) Make sure your dreams are little different direction than hers.4) Act on your dreams, don’t just dream.

Note for girls: Just let me reiterate for you. I am single now. πŸ™‚ So I think I have the right to ask you for a lunch or dinner or for a walk. So be prepared. I will call her my wife, until some one else replaces that role. So don’t mind if I don’t use ‘ex wife’.

Categories: Life & Partner Tags:

Meaningful Relations

March 25th, 2017 Comments off

I was talking to a Israeli women yesterday and our conversation went like this.


IW: I’m looking for someone Israeli. I’m a language person, so having a meaningful relationship in any language other than Hebrew would be odd for me. ​

ME: I wish you a good day before your travel. I know you are a language person. Actually that is what really caught my attention. I am trying to learn new languages. May be not spending as much time as I should be. I understand the fact that most of the times we prefer the people who talk in our native language. My native language is Telugu. Even though my English skills are not as good as my Telugu skills, I have found that I can have serious discussions and even talk about internal feelings in that English. I think it is just matter of habit. ​

And regarding the words ‘meaningful relation’. There can be so many interpretations possible for it. But I would choose some thing like this ‘a relation where you would be willing to allocate some time per week to just to be with the other person and do what ever those two people like to do together. May be talk about books, movies, ideas, or learn new stuff etc’. ​
One of the most valuable thing we all have is our time. And by allocating time for some one we are actually telling that they are worth that much. And we value the company the other person. ​
Do we want to spend all our time in life with one person whom we have sex with? I don’t think so. In my view there can be so many meaningful relationships possible at same time. ​
Just sharing my views, I hope you don’t mind. ​
Now actually I wish you actually find your Israeli guy(if you can not let that requirement go), and we can still look forward to the possibility of some other entirely different meaningful relation. πŸ˜€β€‹

IW: Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I too believe that we can have several meaningful relationship. :-)​

ME: Now that you even said sorry to some one whom you don’t know and might never talk again, and clearly could have ignored, why do you think I will let you go with your excuse on that I don’t know Hebrew. Where will I find such a good person. πŸ™‚ just kidding…. Am I? πŸ˜€β€‹
Thank you, your acknowledgement made my day. I can spend rest of my weekend in day dreams. πŸ˜€β€‹

To be frank I am not looking for a person whom I think will make me happy some day in future. I know the fact that happiness depends on us not the other person. I am looking for the experience of life. I was a husband, am a brother, son and engineer, some teaching, some entrepreneurship​, some student etc. These are all different experiences of life. There are infinite possibilities of them. But with our limited time we can experience only some of them. So why to limit our self to even narrow list? For example ‘be XYZ of a beautiful Israeli women’ what ever that XYZ is, does not matter how small or big that is. As long as it adds value(experience) to our life it is worth it. ​

I might sound desperate, actually I am. But not for one particular person or relation, but for a experience filled life. I think it is worth being desperate for. What we don’t have is time. Some experiences are not possible as we grow older. Even though I am aiming for 150 years. πŸ™‚ still not enough. ​


The point here is not about how I am trying to impress this women. It is about “Meaningful Relations”. I have seen this word used by girls when they say in dating sites ‘I am looking for a serious meaningful relation’. Actually what they are talking about is a husband. But when we actually look our lives, all the people we talk to and all the people we like to interact, we see that except one or 2 people rest of all people are not life partners. They are parents, sisters, brothers, relatives, friends, colleagues, class mates, room mates etc.

What we like in each of these people is different. Some times you have a brother you never call, but you have a friend you always talk to. Or you have a relative never seen in life, but when you need they will help you. What we get out of each person actually depends on what our relation with that person. Some times we give that relation a name, but just because you gave it a name all relations with that name are not equal. What Brother or Sister means to you is different than what it means to me. The name of the relation is just a convenience to refer it when we talk. But the relation itself is much more than it.

But what people does not seem to understand is even the relation of Wife or Husband is also same thing. We are habituated to give names to relations and then forget that they are more than names.

Some people you want for having sex with. Some people you want to talk to your dreams. Some people you need to talk to your professional life, or etc etc. We don’t have to start deciding what each person is for to you until you both talk and decide. Some people can play multiple roles in your life. Why do we have to expect everything from single person say wife or husband? We know it does not work, and it is not meaningful.

Our relations are like colors in a color spectrum. Each one is different, unique, and scattered around on that spectrum.

I hope I have given you some thing to think about. If you have some thing to say about these, please reach out. I am happy to talk on these subjects always.

 

Categories: Dumb World, Food for thought Tags:

Let go of the ego

March 21st, 2017 Comments off

One of the things I am trying to learn is how to let go of my ego. There are various things in my life which I think I can associate with ego or some definitions of it.

Here are some scenarios where I think I used find it.

  1. When I know my idea is better than what some one else if suggesting.
  2. When I know that some one who is talking has no idea of what he is talking.
  3. When some one say to me that I am no better than any average guy. In what ever context.
  4. When I send a message to some girl and expect a reply.
  5. When a relative is telling about some one who earned so and so more than me.

MayΒ  be there are some other cases, but I don’t remember now.

It seems all of this are mostly related to avoiding failure, or not appearing as failure. I think there is a cultural problem in accepting and embracing failure in life. We believe too much in success, and we praise successful people too much, even if we know that most if it was just luck.

I think I have already addressed the last one(5th) in my character. Once you read enough, and seen enough, you will realize that what ever we got is already much more than what we need. Almost all the people I know are earning more than what they need. There are very less number of people who worked with me or I came across who are earning less than they need. But it is not too far to think they will cross that line soon. Some people cross the line faster than others. As my needs are less, mine is easy. Some people just keep pushing the line further, their wish. But in a way every one got what they need. Now after that how much you earn is of no value. Some one earns 30, some one gets 3, we do still see these as differences in their talent. But it is not. It is just pure circumstances. Why do we have to care how much one earns. I think we need to care is about what one is doing with ones life.

I still need to address the 3rd point. It needs constant monitoring of my thoughts in that heated moment. If I am self aware, then I take them light. But if I am lost track of my self, most probably I send to get upset due to the ego that always says I am better than average. If we are better or not why do we care. What difference will it make? I will keep working on this aspect. I need to be self aware as much time as possible. Meditation seems to be a good way to do it. Still in very early stage.

The main reason why I thought of posting this article is aboutΒ  the 4th point. When I send a message to a girl and she does not reply, what do I feel. Do I feel hurt because of my ego? I leave it to your imagination of what kind of messages they are. Always imagination is much more interesting then reality. πŸ™‚ right?

Yesterday I sent a message, I do send them even thought I know there is less chance of a reply. In that case why do I send them? Actually the point of this post is, why do I even need to care the reason for sending? Why can’t I send it without any regrets or feelings of ego hurt? To give you a clear perspective let me give you an example, You found a perfect girl/boy. You asked them for dinner. They gave you a ugly look and rejected outright as if it was foolish to even ask. Now what ever you feel is the one I am talking now. What is it? Is it ego? Do we get disappointed, yes. But that is not the issue. Can we dare to ask immediately next day? What is stopping us? Making yourself fools in-front of some one else? So what is the problem in that? Is not willing to make fool of yourself is not ego? Do we need to let it go? What happens when every is 100% willing to be fool at any time. What kind of world will it be? We all know it is not possible.

Now take for instance Dalai Lama. Can he make himself to be a fool in front of others? If he can not, does he really spiritual leader? It only means that he is still think what he is of more value or important then what he is when he is being a fool. Not sure how many people in the world can put themselves in such situations and come out of it without any feeling of guilt or angry etc.

I used to think people who does not value themselves are kind of stupid. Well actually now it seems the other way.

I am thinking I should let go of this feeling. Be stupid when ever I want. Let others think what ever they want. As long as we are not hurting anyone, I suppose this is okey.

What are the limits you can go to being a stupid or a fool?

Categories: Food for thought, Society Tags:

Vegan again : Now with better reasons

March 8th, 2017 Comments off

For some time in last year I became vegan for some months. The reason at that time was that eating animal proteine is going to cause cancer and all the dairy products will have all animal harmones which are required for the kid of that anomal and not for human body.

Even though those reasons are perfectly valid, I some how got tempted by the taste of Chicken Biryani. First the excuse of late night dinners in office for some project work, and then excuse of fasting. As I do fast for 24hr to 72hrs a week, I give justification that I need to eat Chicken to get enough nutrients. There is no valid theory or math behind it.

After reading ‘Sapiens’ and then ‘Homo Deus’ by Yuval Noah Harari now I want to go back to Vegan again.

The reason now is much more compelling and natually close to my personality and attitude. Harari reminds us that those farm animals might have emotions. They might have conciousness and they might feel just like us. Even though Chicken and Diary industry is not as crual as it is in western countries, as we keep eating those stuff, it will soon become similar to that. The way that industry works is very very crual, and it is almost impossible for me to tolerate all that cruality. A one second thought of putting myself in the place of those animals is horrible.

Actually this is the reason why I stopped eating chiken when I was still in school. I could not tolerate the cruality which I saw in my NCC camp.

So decided to become vegan again.

Regarding compensating the fasting, I might just have to eat some quality food. Looking more towards flax seeds for protein and fat. Need to make better recipies with that ingradient.

Categories: General Tags: