The courage to be disliked


I would say this a book that contributed to my recent change in perspective on life. So here I want to summaries the book for for my future self.

  • Every one can change
    Some of us wish that we are different. Like ‘I wish I have that discipline to go to gym every day’ etc. Every one can change. We don’t change because, we blame the past, we blame the environment. And we think we can not change. Actually they are all excuses not to change.
  • Trauma does not exists
    What ever happened in past does not have any bearing to what we decide to do now. Our past does not matter, what matters is what meaning we give to that past events. You have no excuse to blame any action you take now on past. You can decide to make entirely different decisions which are independent of past.
  • People fabricate anger
    Anger is an emotion, like every other emotion. Like every other emotion, it is also in our control. We get anger only because we think we can do some things when we are in anger. It is just to justify our actions.  Imagine a smiling face and breaking stuff at home because one acted against your wishes. You can not. They will think you are a psycho.
  • Unhappiness is something you choose for yourself
    You decided that being unhappy is good for you based on some unhappy circumstances or ended up in unhappy situation.
  • People always choose not to change
    Who ever you are now, it is just because you choose to be like that. You can always change. You are unable to change only because you are making the decision not to. Even with inconveniences and limitations, you probably think that the lifestyle you have now is the most practical one, and that it’s easier t leave things as they are. Change is new and unknown.
  • Your life is decided here and now
    “If only I can be like Y” is an excuse to yourself for not changing. What you do not is what matters. You need courage to be happy, and courage to make the change. What ever you decide now only matters.
  • Why you dislike yourself
    It is just a way of self preservation for you. If you are unable to achieve something, disliking yourself will give you a way to be sane and correct in the eyes of people around you. How can you fail to do something, and still happy? What kind of person are you in others minds? You see, this is why you dislike yourself. Just like every one else. So it okey for you.
  • All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
    If we are alone, and we have nothing to compare to and nothing to expect, will we have any problems? No. All our problems only comes with interpersonal relationships. Only then you have expectations, comparisons and any other problems.
  • Feelings of Inferiority are subjective assumptions
    Taller, shorter, wiser, richer, and any other such things that cause the feeling of inferiority are subjective. They are not objective facts. You can always find exceptions to any of these.
  • An inferiority complex is an excuse
    There is nothing wrong with the feeling of inferiority itself. The complex is when we start using the feeling as an excuse. “I’m not good-looking, so I can’t get married” is just an excuse.
  • Braggarts have feelings of inferiority
    Healthy way is to try to compensate the limitations is through striving and growth. Some fabricate the feeling of superiority as easy way. They associate with authority, boast about his achievements, recounting memories of time when his light shone brightest, and even bragging about own misfortune etc.
  • Life is not a competition
    Pursuit of superiority is the mind-set of taking one step forward. Not mind-set of competition with other. It is enough to keep moving in a forward direction, without competing with anyone. Healthy feeling of inferiority comes from comparing with one’s ideal self. Not with other people.
  • You’re the only one worrying about your appearance
    Most people can not enjoy their success in the eyes of society is that they are living in competition. Competition makes others rivals, enemies. Once one is released from the schema of competition, the need of triumph over someone disappears.
  • Admitting fault is not defeat
    When you are challenged to a fight, and you sense that it is a power struggle, step down from that conflict as soon as possible. Anger is a communication tool, and there are better tools to communicate like language. If you think you are right, regardless of other’s opinions, the matter should be closed. Do not make others submit to them.
  • Deny the desire for recognition
    Being recognized might bring happiness, but does not mean it is necessary.
  • Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others
    When one seeks recognition from others, and concerns oneself with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives. You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, it follows that other people are not living to satisfy your expectations.
  • Separate your tasks from others tasks
    Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made? It is their task. We can monitor or assist in other people’s task. But we can not intrude.
  • Discard other people’s tasks
    You believe in your partner. That is your task. But how that person acts with regards to your expectations and trust is other people’s task. Intervening in other people’s tasks and taking on other people’s tasks turns one’s life into something heavy and full of hardship. Lighten your load. Only deal with your tasks.
  • Rid yourself of interpersonal relationship problems
    All you can do with regard to your own life is choose the best path that you believe in. What kind of judgement do other people pass on that choice? That is the task of other people. It is not a matter you can do anything about.
  • Desire for recognition makes you unfree
    Recognition is not being disliked by other people. It limits your choices. The more people you are trying to please, the more you have to loose your freedom. Not trying to please others is not ego.
  • What is freedom
    Freedom is being disliked by other people. It is a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles. Braking away from organizations is not freedom. Being unconcerned by other people’s judgements, and no fear of being disliked by others.
  • The goal of interpersonal relationships is a feeling of community
    The smallest unit is two people. Two people, family, office, school, collage, state, nation and total humanity. These are all communities. And all our relationships are for the feeling of those communities.
  • You are not the center of the world
    You are a part of a community, not its center. Other people does not exist to please you. We are all searching for the sense of belonging, that “It’s okey to be here”.  And you can only do that with active commitment to the community that is “What can I give to this person”, and not simply by being here.
  • Do not rebuke or praise
    Rebuke or praise unconsciously create a hierarchical relationship. Praising is done to manipulate others. It is not done out of gratitude or respect. In relationships every one is equal but not same, including relationships with children. Instead, encourage them.
  • Exist in the present
  • The essence of work is a contribution to common good
    Labor or Work is ones way to contribute to the family, organization or the society. It is not just a means of earning money.
  • Workaholism is a life-lie
    They are just trying to avoid the responsibilities by using work as an excuse.
  • The courage to be normal
    You don’t have to be the special.
  • Life is a series of moments
    Life is not like climbing a mountain to teach the peak. It is not about the goal. It is about the moments we all go through while moving forward. Enjoy going through these moments.
  • Shine a light on the Hear and Now
    Like a spotlight on a stage that gets diffused if you try to see everything but focusing on one spot makes it bright, pay attention to hear and now. Don’t spend too much time on the future and the past. You will not be able to enjoy the present.
  • Give meaning to seemingly meaningless life
    Life in general has no meaning. What ever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual. Let “Contribution to others” is your guiding star. You can make lot of difference to others.

I have skipped some chapters which I could not summarize. This it self took multiple hours to refer back and write this summary. I will see if I can write the summary as I read the book.

Future, AI, Purpose

It has been a long time since last post. Managed to keep myself healthy, did not get sick in more than one year. In a way it is good achievement.

Read some books, but not as many as I wanted to. Met some people, but not as many as I wanted to. Done some new things, but not as many as I wanted to. 🙂 You get the idea, right?

After my recent trip to US I have contemplated on what to do next. After lot of ideas and discussions with friends, made list of ideas, tried to get more data about these of those ideas.

At the beginning every idea was exciting. But when I dig little deep, ideas evaporated to the heat of the reality. With still couple of idea in hand started a new company in Feb 2018. We are perusing one of the idea for now.

I have been thinking a lot about future these days. Because future is always exciting for me. As you know, I am an optimist. So ‘hope’ plays major role in my emotions. When I see trends in technology,  especially AI, Robotics, AR, VR and Decentralized Systems, they all make me think hard about coming future. For now I believe the future that is being projected by Ray Kurzweil
The main point of his predictions is that human level AI will be ready by 2029. And I think it may take another 5 to 10 years for general availability for mass market. So it puts us at 2035. After that we are not sure why humans need to work to produce anything in this world.

It has been around 18+ years since I started my journey into this world of computers and technology. In a way in next 15 years which is less  than my current journey so far, our society will be drastically different. Just yesterday was 25th anniversary of first graphical browser for internet. With in 25 years the internet has changed many things about how we do things.

One more important point on which these predictions are based is that innovation is exponential. Every year, more things get changed.

Now he question I am looking answers for is, what do I have to do now? What is the best path? What is going to happen between now and 2029?

First of all what does any one need? Based on what I read and what I believe, we need some purpose. A story that we tell ourself to justify what ever we are doing or what ever we want to do. Every one has some story. From housewife to the richest people in the world, every one has some story. For some the purpose is external and for some the purpose is internal. It doesn’t matter if it is internal or external. Only that each of us has to choose the one that we like. Some are okey to get some job and have a happy family, and for some they need to change the world. Each to their own.

Now the question is, what is my purpose? In my next post I will try to address what is that I enjoy doing?

Being Good

Every one thinks they are good. Even I used to think so. And people are not in telling where we are wrong. If we every did wrong to someone, most probably they get hurt, and they try to keep distance from us.

Rarely we come across people who actually like to tell us what we did wrong. I am lucky to have such friends. They told what I did wrong to them and others.

It is never late to say sorry. If you know something wrong I did, let me know and help me fix myself.  You will get a guaranteed gift card worth more than your effort in making me realize.

Indian Politics & Corruption and possible solution

I was fortunate to have spent 14hrs with economist Atanu Dey on our journey to watch Great Solar Eclipse 2017. I got some interesting stories about India. Most of those stories are what we already hear from our known contacts. I will generalize some of them as follows.

Story 1: My friend has a transport company. He tells me that in order to get profit they have to transport some 40 tons per trip but the maximum they are allowed will be 25tons. So how do they do it? They just pay around 40k per month per each vehicle and no one will ever catch them and fine them.

Story 2: I wanted to travel from Pune to Mumbai. I go to that taxi stand and many people will be calling you to offer for the taxi. Once I bargained the trip for 1400 and get into one taxi. It happens that the one I bargained is not the driver. He is some middle man. He pays 1000 to the driver and keeps 400. We get to know that it takes around 500 for the gas/petrol and the driver can get around 500 for the trip. So why he paid 400 for the other person?

We know many of those corruption stories. After we listen to them we all used to feel that, those people are corrupt. Actually I think they have to do what they are doing in order to stay in job or to pay off the bribe they had to pay for getting the job. Every penny collected from the last man is split and distributed back to the top. Normal Citizen -> Police Constable -> SI -> SP -> DIG -> Home Minister -> Chief Minister -> Party President

We may not believe that every one in the system are corrupt. But if you apply basic economics we can easily derive these. Why will some govt employees agree to stay in jobs which does not fetch any bribes while some of their colleagues are making lot of money in bribes?

They don’t. The one who got the opportunity got it after paying lot of hefty bribe himself to be in that position. And that so on. That economic principle applies to every cycle there. Even the top people have to do it because it costs that much to get elected to power.

So because we make it so hard for a person without money to get elected, they need money and they have to recover it back.

I am in US now. So how is system in US works? in US there is no such corruption at the lowest level. It may be at the lobbyist levels and it is all public. No one is taking bribes here. So that is the difference?

The single biggest difference I find is that you don’t need permission to do most of the things here. For example if you want to build a house, there will be some regulations. But there is no permission required. You just follow those regulations and build what ever you want. Some one will come and will check it and give his approval. And even if he/she does not approve, they can not do anything. They can just report it back, and you can fight it in the court. They have to show that you did things against the regulations. Till then nothing happens. You keep doing your business.

I think removing all permission system in India and replace them with regulations is the best solution to reduce corruption. To keep the system running, they have to enhance the courts and need to speedup the justice system. So they will do it. And I think that is the solution.

I want a website where there will be all kinds of these problems(corruption stories) listed, and we explore the possible solutions to each of them. If any one is interested in such a site or if such a site already exists let me know.

Principles, rules and ethics

We all want to have good principles or ethics in our life. Some of us have not even thought anything specific on what these principles are and what those ethics we want to follow. It is okey, just because we have not defined them in some notebook does not mean we don’t have them.

One thing that I always believed and I am sure that most will agree that there is no absolute in this world. (Excluding maths and science I mean). You can not say something is absolutely good and something is absolutely bad. Most of the important stuff in this world does not have a proper scale to measure with. For example love, friendship, good, happiness, right or wrong.

But we do measure every day. Even in those things without the scale. Because even though we dont have a scale, most of the times we know where we are on the scale, and where something else is. Is it on the black side or the white side. Here Black and White are just example colors on the gray scale. May be White is divine love and Black is satan or something like that. I am just telling good and bad as an example here. But this same gray scale applies to so many things in our life.

One of the common mistake that I observed people doing is that they forget that it is gray scale without any markings. Some times we do draw line on this scale, but that is only to tell your limits. Those lines are not the units of measurements. Another common mistakes people do is that they think this gray scale does not even exist and some how their brain comes up with YES or NO answers to situations in which we would normally require to check where on this gray scale things fall and which is on left or right of our point of interest and why.

One recent example for this is, a discussion with a friend in Mexico. He is Eric. He has 2 dogs, and the discussion was where he should keep them when he goes to Europe for his trip. I asked simple question like how much would you be willing to pay for some one to take care of the dogs. To my surprise he said he wont pay anything. If you know me well enough you can guess what I might be thinking immediately. It actually means that those dogs are worthless to him. Well that is not the case actually. He loves those dogs. The reason he said he wont pay anything is because he has some friends who can give him favor to taking care of them. I have tried so much time in arguing and trying to make him say a number. He treats these favors from friends are un measurable and never says a number.

But we all know that reality does not work like that. Even though they are not measurable directly, there is always some thing to refer and there is always some number we can assign to it. That value may keep changing from time to time, but there will be a number. Because that if we have a friend who always asks for favors and never does anything to you, how long will he or she remain to be your friend? Not long, because our brain keeps measuring things. And we make the decision some day. But most rational way I see in those situations is, don’t wait for your brain to go into some kind of unknown chemical reaction and tell YES or NO. Make the measurement as and when you can, and realize the limits in which you want to be, and make the decision when limits are crossed. Don’t get angry or happy for these things. We can remove emotions out of our decisions if we can put numbers to stuff.

[I know that I started with a un measurable items and how telling about to put a number to things, well, sorry it is complicated].

One more important stuff I want to say is about Principles. I used to think I am a principled man. I think mine are good compared to say 99% of people. (all from my own perspective anyway). And I always wanted to act based on those principles no matter what the situation is. I think from 2001 to 2014 I am in this state I think. But things started to change much more in last 3 years. I used to hold firm beliefs. I will do some things, I wont do some things, some things are good and some things are bad etc.

But now I am more flexible. I realize that every thing is based on perception and I don’t make quick judgement on people or situations. If some one asks like ‘is X good to do?’ Previously it used to be YES, or NO. Now it is ‘Compared to what?’. I do still make the judgement, but only in comparison with other things.

I was discussing about one such principle with a friend recently. It goes something like this. “If friends A, B independently tells X some things, then X will never reveal those details to the other persons even if A is telling about B and B is telling about A”. I think it is very common principle that most of us follow. Right?

Actually it is not a principle, it is what we do without even thinking. We always talk about bad things about someone who is not present there. Change people, topics change to bad things about people who are not there. You can all imagine how bad these things are. We are all afraid of telling hard truths or our views to others, if we think it will hurt them. But does that mean we don’t hold that views? No. We do hold it, we just don’t tell it directly. And we need a way to let them out, so we all let them out when they are not in the room.

You might say that this above example is different than the principle I just mentioned. But I dont agree. What if the information that is shared is about some bad things about the other person? Where do you draw the line to apply the principle?

You might say that it is “Trust”. When some one trusts you, you have to protect that trust. Actually we can generalize it like this…..

If I say that I will do X, then no matter what I will do X. Just that that X happened to be “keep the secrets“. Right?

It is a very solid principle if you see. I used to believe in it, and I always thought I need to follow it. Fortunately I think I am little wiser now. And I believe this is a very bad principle. (bad in relative terms… don’t forget the gray scale ever).

What is the principle that I follow now?

What ever I am going to do in future is going to be what I told or at least better than that, and what is better depends on my own judgement at the time of making that judgement.

If you see, it just looks like “I will do what ever I want”. There is no absolute dependability on a person with such a principle. You never really know what I am going to do. How to trust a man like that?

Well, you still can trust me. But that trust is based on your trust on my ability to make proper judgements in future. If you think I will make better decisions in future, then make your calls on that. If you think I might make silly and stupid decisions in future, them use that info.

In reality there is no such thing as absolute secret. We always are ready to reveal secrets of others. But only if needed. Sometimes if is more valuable to keep the secret than your life. For example lets assume that you know that North Korea is going to launch nuclear missiles and it is told to you by a your trusted friend. Xe asked you to keep that as a secret. As if it comes out his life will be in danger. But a nuclear missile will kill 10000s, and you have to make a call if 1000s are more important or your friends trust or his life is more important.

If you are reading this blog, I hope you will tell that information to proper authority and let your friend die in order to protect 1000s. [If you don’t fuck of from this site.]

Now, if you see you can not trust most rational people. They will always tell your secrets, if there is a need. And that decision is made by them based on the situations. That is what exactly is what I said my principle is. I will do what I want to do.

The friend said that she choose that principle based on her experience. When ever she moved information from one side to another, she noticed that those A,B are actually became far from each other. Sounds good right? If you see from her decision, she wants them to remain close. That should be the expectation anyway.

But once you have made such principle and you got to know some information from A that if you do not share to B it is going to blow the relation between A and B. Now will you stick with your principle or you will stick with your expectation of your outcome of choosing that principle in first place?

I am not arguing about that one principle here. I am arguing about creating principles that make you act in ways that will defeat the purpose of the principles. Don’t limit yourself and future actions by the knowledge of the past. Let yourself evolve that is the only way forward. Just protect yourself from going down the ladder of wisdom.

Actually similar situation came with my investor in Vimukti. At one time, he said “you said you will do so and so, but now you are doing some thing else”. And to that I replied “Don’t depend on what I said I will do. If what I said does not make sense to do, I wont do”. Words might be different, but meaning is same. Ofcourse he hates me for saying that, and I don’t think he will ever forget that :-), and I am okey with that. I don’t want to create a false image about me. Let them know who I really am, good or bad what ever they think I am.

There is a English movie, in which a journalist goes to jail to protect the source of information. In that case the source is a small child. I liked that movie. Now thinking about topic, I really wonder what is she trying to protect.

Even journalists have to make decisions. Just presenting facts is not enough. They have to decide what is good and what is not.

Some times there are not just A, B. There might be so many people involved. Your decisions effects lives.

The writer I liked, whose stories I did not read

I was reading a very good article on James Altucher blog. He wrote about why people hate their jobs. It is a very good article that gives you his perspective on the that topic. I believe it syncs with many people I have seen. It did sync with my view.

I was reading the comments on that post, and they are interesting too. People expressing how it related to them, and what they used to think.

From there I found a book title, and about an author. He is Ray Bradbury. Those of you who want to be writers I recommend reading some of this books. I did not read actually, and not sure if I will ever read. But I found two videos of him on You Tube. After watching I just felt, “wow, if at all I am a writer that is how I want to be”.

I instantly fell in love with that person. Here are those videos for you.

 

 

I feel like it is how every one should be. Not just writers. Every person should be true to themselves. I don’t really know what it means to be ‘true to themselves’. But there is some kind of authenticity in his personality. I could not pin point it exactly. But it is there. And I am referring to that. I hope I do have it, and I will try to have.

 

What kind of place I want to work at?

As my position at PurpleTalk as VP of Technology has ended, I got the opportunity to think what kind of place I want to work at. It is not an easy question for most of the people. We normally don’t think of it too much. When we join a new job, we see what the company is doing, if it fits our career path, then join else don’t join. That is how we normally decide.

As I have not worked in any company other than my own for major part of my professional life, I thought I am flexible and I can adjust. In fact I did. I did adjust a lot. But does adjusting means compromising your principles? I don’t think so. So I tried not to compromise on them, with say about 60% success rate.

Last month I was listening to a great podcast of Naval Ravikant and he said some thing related to honesty.

“I think honesty is a core, core, core value. To give you examples of what I mean by honesty is I want to be able to just be me. I never want to be in an environment or around people where I have to watch what I say.”

I absolutely recommend his podcast for any one who reads my blog. There will be some thing to learn for sure.

Immediately when I heard it, it went straight into my head. I thought about it and immediately decided that I need to act on it very soon. When you can not be what you are, and you are forced to act, is that worth it? I am sure you all agree that it is not.

But the question is we all do that every day. We all go to jobs, and at least some part of our job, we do act. We dont tell what we think, and we tell what other people like to hear, and we get uncomfortable(or get habituated) and come back. At the end of the day we get our salary, and we feel happy about it.

So how much of acting is worth. For most of us life is not a path of roses. We can not choose all our places of working, we all have to make compromises. If we want money, we need to settle of less than ideal working conditions. If some one else is paying, you got to do what they say. I understand it completely and agree with it.

But the major question remains, how much acting should we tolerate? Well, that depends on how lucky you are, and what your requirements are. Some how I got this question after 15 to 16 years of my professional life. I did not do acting while I am my own boss. And tried to do same even with my investors. I did make them agree too. But it is better to make them angry then cheat them with false hope/belief.

I think now I need to put an end to this acting once for all. And I think I can afford that price. Principles are free to take, but costly to maintain. Depending on where you are on your journey in life, you need to decide if that cost of the principles is good enough to keep or lose.

Thanks to one of my friend who referred me to “Ray Dalio“. Just watch couple of videos of  his. It is an extra ordinary organization which he runs. BridgeWater is a worlds largest hedge fund with 1500 employees. They operate based on “Radical Truth, and Radical Transparency”. Every meeting in the company is transparent(video recorded) and any one else in the company can see and question any decision and discuss about what is discussed. No one will talk about any person behind their back. So it is the proof that an organization can be built on truth and transparency.

Either I want to build such an organization, or I want to help other companies build it. Because I inherently believe in openness and truthfulness.

To summarize, here are couple of points that I want in my next place of work.

  1. Transparency
  2. Honesty
  3. Meritocracy
  4. More intimate relations with the people I work with
  5. Place where my skills can be put to best use, rather than waste my time in making a power point beautiful which most non-tech persons can do much better than me.
  6. Data driven decision making
  7. Where I can make difference to people’s lives. (Employees, or customers)

 

Meaningful Relations

I was talking to a Israeli women yesterday and our conversation went like this.


IW: I’m looking for someone Israeli. I’m a language person, so having a meaningful relationship in any language other than Hebrew would be odd for me. ​

ME: I wish you a good day before your travel. I know you are a language person. Actually that is what really caught my attention. I am trying to learn new languages. May be not spending as much time as I should be. I understand the fact that most of the times we prefer the people who talk in our native language. My native language is Telugu. Even though my English skills are not as good as my Telugu skills, I have found that I can have serious discussions and even talk about internal feelings in that English. I think it is just matter of habit. ​

And regarding the words ‘meaningful relation’. There can be so many interpretations possible for it. But I would choose some thing like this ‘a relation where you would be willing to allocate some time per week to just to be with the other person and do what ever those two people like to do together. May be talk about books, movies, ideas, or learn new stuff etc’. ​
One of the most valuable thing we all have is our time. And by allocating time for some one we are actually telling that they are worth that much. And we value the company the other person. ​
Do we want to spend all our time in life with one person whom we have sex with? I don’t think so. In my view there can be so many meaningful relationships possible at same time. ​
Just sharing my views, I hope you don’t mind. ​
Now actually I wish you actually find your Israeli guy(if you can not let that requirement go), and we can still look forward to the possibility of some other entirely different meaningful relation. 😀​

IW: Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I too believe that we can have several meaningful relationship. :-)​

ME: Now that you even said sorry to some one whom you don’t know and might never talk again, and clearly could have ignored, why do you think I will let you go with your excuse on that I don’t know Hebrew. Where will I find such a good person. 🙂 just kidding…. Am I? 😀​
Thank you, your acknowledgement made my day. I can spend rest of my weekend in day dreams. 😀​

To be frank I am not looking for a person whom I think will make me happy some day in future. I know the fact that happiness depends on us not the other person. I am looking for the experience of life. I was a husband, am a brother, son and engineer, some teaching, some entrepreneurship​, some student etc. These are all different experiences of life. There are infinite possibilities of them. But with our limited time we can experience only some of them. So why to limit our self to even narrow list? For example ‘be XYZ of a beautiful Israeli women’ what ever that XYZ is, does not matter how small or big that is. As long as it adds value(experience) to our life it is worth it. ​

I might sound desperate, actually I am. But not for one particular person or relation, but for a experience filled life. I think it is worth being desperate for. What we don’t have is time. Some experiences are not possible as we grow older. Even though I am aiming for 150 years. 🙂 still not enough. ​


The point here is not about how I am trying to impress this women. It is about “Meaningful Relations”. I have seen this word used by girls when they say in dating sites ‘I am looking for a serious meaningful relation’. Actually what they are talking about is a husband. But when we actually look our lives, all the people we talk to and all the people we like to interact, we see that except one or 2 people rest of all people are not life partners. They are parents, sisters, brothers, relatives, friends, colleagues, class mates, room mates etc.

What we like in each of these people is different. Some times you have a brother you never call, but you have a friend you always talk to. Or you have a relative never seen in life, but when you need they will help you. What we get out of each person actually depends on what our relation with that person. Some times we give that relation a name, but just because you gave it a name all relations with that name are not equal. What Brother or Sister means to you is different than what it means to me. The name of the relation is just a convenience to refer it when we talk. But the relation itself is much more than it.

But what people does not seem to understand is even the relation of Wife or Husband is also same thing. We are habituated to give names to relations and then forget that they are more than names.

Some people you want for having sex with. Some people you want to talk to your dreams. Some people you need to talk to your professional life, or etc etc. We don’t have to start deciding what each person is for to you until you both talk and decide. Some people can play multiple roles in your life. Why do we have to expect everything from single person say wife or husband? We know it does not work, and it is not meaningful.

Our relations are like colors in a color spectrum. Each one is different, unique, and scattered around on that spectrum.

I hope I have given you some thing to think about. If you have some thing to say about these, please reach out. I am happy to talk on these subjects always.

 

Let go of the ego

One of the things I am trying to learn is how to let go of my ego. There are various things in my life which I think I can associate with ego or some definitions of it.

Here are some scenarios where I think I used find it.

  1. When I know my idea is better than what some one else if suggesting.
  2. When I know that some one who is talking has no idea of what he is talking.
  3. When some one say to me that I am no better than any average guy. In what ever context.
  4. When I send a message to some girl and expect a reply.
  5. When a relative is telling about some one who earned so and so more than me.

May  be there are some other cases, but I don’t remember now.

It seems all of this are mostly related to avoiding failure, or not appearing as failure. I think there is a cultural problem in accepting and embracing failure in life. We believe too much in success, and we praise successful people too much, even if we know that most if it was just luck.

I think I have already addressed the last one(5th) in my character. Once you read enough, and seen enough, you will realize that what ever we got is already much more than what we need. Almost all the people I know are earning more than what they need. There are very less number of people who worked with me or I came across who are earning less than they need. But it is not too far to think they will cross that line soon. Some people cross the line faster than others. As my needs are less, mine is easy. Some people just keep pushing the line further, their wish. But in a way every one got what they need. Now after that how much you earn is of no value. Some one earns 30, some one gets 3, we do still see these as differences in their talent. But it is not. It is just pure circumstances. Why do we have to care how much one earns. I think we need to care is about what one is doing with ones life.

I still need to address the 3rd point. It needs constant monitoring of my thoughts in that heated moment. If I am self aware, then I take them light. But if I am lost track of my self, most probably I send to get upset due to the ego that always says I am better than average. If we are better or not why do we care. What difference will it make? I will keep working on this aspect. I need to be self aware as much time as possible. Meditation seems to be a good way to do it. Still in very early stage.

The main reason why I thought of posting this article is about  the 4th point. When I send a message to a girl and she does not reply, what do I feel. Do I feel hurt because of my ego? I leave it to your imagination of what kind of messages they are. Always imagination is much more interesting then reality. 🙂 right?

Yesterday I sent a message, I do send them even thought I know there is less chance of a reply. In that case why do I send them? Actually the point of this post is, why do I even need to care the reason for sending? Why can’t I send it without any regrets or feelings of ego hurt? To give you a clear perspective let me give you an example, You found a perfect girl/boy. You asked them for dinner. They gave you a ugly look and rejected outright as if it was foolish to even ask. Now what ever you feel is the one I am talking now. What is it? Is it ego? Do we get disappointed, yes. But that is not the issue. Can we dare to ask immediately next day? What is stopping us? Making yourself fools in-front of some one else? So what is the problem in that? Is not willing to make fool of yourself is not ego? Do we need to let it go? What happens when every is 100% willing to be fool at any time. What kind of world will it be? We all know it is not possible.

Now take for instance Dalai Lama. Can he make himself to be a fool in front of others? If he can not, does he really spiritual leader? It only means that he is still think what he is of more value or important then what he is when he is being a fool. Not sure how many people in the world can put themselves in such situations and come out of it without any feeling of guilt or angry etc.

I used to think people who does not value themselves are kind of stupid. Well actually now it seems the other way.

I am thinking I should let go of this feeling. Be stupid when ever I want. Let others think what ever they want. As long as we are not hurting anyone, I suppose this is okey.

What are the limits you can go to being a stupid or a fool?

Why I wont stand for forced national anthem playing

First of all I am not a Patriot. I have clarified this long back here. https://rajesh.vimukti.com/2013/08/i-am-not-a-patriot/ And that is the reason I said “Indian National Anthem” not “Our”.

Here are some questions for those  who can actually think. (others: sorry I give up).

Consider you born in current Pakistan. So you will also be having your own national anthem. Right? And if they decided to play it in before the start of movies, you will stand up. Right?

If Yes: So for you it just does not matter that is being played, it just matters on where you are born. What about after your 25th year you went to China, And you married a Chinese partner. Now your national anthem is some thing different. So now you will feel pride for that song and land. Now after another 10 years, you came to India and you liked the place. You became Indian citizen. Now your pride and respect will be for this new song. Right?

If Yes: Now imagine that China and Pakistan has declared war on India, and war is going on in some controlled part of North East. Not a full war, but like Kargil. But due to some issue you are struck in China, and you are in some Chinese movie theater and their national anthem is being played. Will you stand up? And feel pride for Chinese song?

If Yes: Then you are just a robot without any of your own thoughts or you are just a coward who is just afraid what others will think and do to you.

NOW I am not a robot. And I am not a coward.

If No to any of the above, then you got to explain to me why not. How it is different than feeling pride and respect for one country vs 3 countries?

For those of you who feel pride for your country, can you explain why? What actually is pride? How many of you felt pride for India making nuclear weapons?(I did at that time, I know I was stupid then).  Just imagine that you are born in some other enemy state, (if there is one). Would you feel proud too? No. So all your reactions are based on something that is uncontrolled by you. Like your color, sex, religion and place of birth. People should feel proud only when they actually thought and did something for which they are happy for. I don’t think being born in India is what I thought of doing myself. It was just an accident, and I don’t have to feel proud for accidents.